Now you see it, now you douche

Species:  Douchedini (Scientific Name: Incrediblis disappearingus)

Classification:  Obvidouche

Habitat: Frequents the same places as the Douchebat and the James Douche, however it will be more obvious in its intentions.  Look for popped collars, cargo pants or an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Summary:  The Douchedini was named for its incredible disappearing act.  One moment the Douchedini is all over you, the next it has dropped off the face of the earth.  To be honest though, the Douchedini does not usually hide its true colours.  Like a magician, you may never learn how it managed to douche you, but you know you have been douched from the start.

M.O: Different to both the Douchebat and the James Douche, the Douchedini makes no attempt to hide what it is.  The Douchedini likes to think it is here for a good time, not a long time, but also enjoys the trappings of relationships.  Therefore it will go through the motions of dating but sometime between date three and nine (from about the five week mark) the Douchedini will perform its greatest trick yet and just disappear.

It does this by making you think it was your fault for mistaking your dates as a relationship.  The Douchedini, like all douches, likes to evade responsibility at all times and will come up with any excuse to leave – if you are lucky.  The Douchedini has also been known to just stop returning phone calls and messages.  Unlike other douches with a similar M.O, the Douchedini makes no effort to hide its douchiness and in fact uses it to attract sexual partners.  Douchenets fall for this allure all the time.  They know it can’t be tamed but yet they try anyway.  Sigh.

Douche rating: 3 out of 5

De-Douche ease:  The easiest way to avoid a Douchedini is to just not play with one in the first place.  It is all smoke and mirrors and yet still manages to fool douchenets.  If you find yourself with a Douchedini, don’t worry too much.  It will disappear any moment now.

Solution: Don’t be dazzled by the douchiness – you can walk away.  If you do find yourself under a Douchedini’s spell, don’t get emotionally invested.  After all – now you see it……..

If you wish upon a douche…..

Species:  Doucheney

Classification: Camodouche

Habitat:  Disney movies, diva concerts, organic food supermarkets, cafes which serve tiny glasses of coffee, book stores (check the self-help section).

Summary:  The Doucheney is in love with the idea of love.  The Doucheney will make grand gestures despite only knowing you for a short amount of time, talk about your future and attempt to impress you with how “deep” and “sensitive” it is.  Unfortunately, the Doucheney has about as much substance as one of Disney’s hand-drawn 2D princes and once the sparkle has worn off, the Doucheney will head off into the sunset.  Alone.

M.O: The Doucheney likes to proclaim itself as “different” to all other men and will make a point of telling you how much it wants to find the right princess and settle down. The Doucheney will actively persue you and make grand, over the top gestures during the wooing process, including, but not limited to, dropping the L-word and referring to you as it’s girl/boyfriend after four or less dates.  The Doucheney will tell you it loves to spend weekends at home, just hanging out and cuddling on the couch, that it can’t wait to settle down and start a tribe of little Doucheneys.  The Doucheney will talk about it’s exes often and lament about what went wrong, almost in the same breath as it claims  that He is Just Not That Into You/ Love Actually / Valentine’s Day / Titanic / Beaches is its favourite movie.  The Doucheney may even proclaim to never miss Grey’s Anatomy.  Doucheneys have been known to follow the textbook when it comes to romance – glass slippers and a love of accompanying you shopping are not unheard of.   But just as the Doucheney begins to win you over, it will begin to feel some of that ‘magic’ slip away.  The Doucheney thrives on newness.  It may claim to love staying at home cuddling on the couch but in reality, it is a narcissist which needs to be seen.  The Doucheney feeds off the reactions of others and will constantly ask you what your friends/parents/co-workers/dog think of it and it’s actions.  For this reason, the Doucheney’s gestures will always be as public as possible – flowers sent to the workplace, gifts presented in crowded restaurants, ‘random’ visits when it knows a parental unit or friend is over.   But the Doucheney will get to know you about as well as a Disney prince knows his bride before the kiss at the end of the movie. (Not very well for those playing at home)  The Doucheney doesn’t want to get to know you because the Doucheney is enraptured with the ideal it has created of you in its head.  Step outside that and the Doucheney will head for greener pastures.  The Doucheney believes itself to be perfect and therefore should not settle for anything less in a partner.  The Doucheney will also cut and run when its own faults have been found out.  Usually the Doucheney will blame you for the break up and drop lines such as “You are just not who I thought you were” or “I’m just looking for something really special”.  It is not unusual for the Doucheney to then try to persue your friend/sister/cousin.

Douche rating: 2.5 out of 5

De-douche ease:  Easy.  Doucheney’s have a 12-year-old girl’s view of romance so they will bounce back after a set-back in about two seconds.  You just need to know how to appeal to its sense of drama.  Hint: See below.

Solution: To de-douche yourself from a Doucheney, watch Casablanca , The Way We Were or that Simpsons episode where Bart was writing love letters to his teacher under the name Woodrow to prepare and then apply some method acting.  Tell it you are letting them go because it means too much to you but you’re not ready for the commitment.  Tell it you are a secret agent being sent to a secret location where there are no carrier pigeons and you couldn’t bare the thought of it waiting for you.  Tell it that when the wind blows, you’ll always hear its name.  Tell it it’s too good for you.  Just don’t tell it the truth – that it has the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and you hate Grey’s Anatomy.  It would be like kicking a puppy.  A really yappy, annoying puppy, but a puppy nonetheless.

.

All douches great and small.

 

 

Species:  Douche-bat (Scientific Name – eatus-rootus-leavus)

Classification: Camodouche

Summary: This douchebag, like the marsupial they derive their name from, eats roots and leaves. Also, like their marsupial counterpart, they do not make good household pets. They cannot be tamed and if you get in their way in a bushfire they will tackle you and scratch you to bits
Ok, that last bit might not be exactly true, but if you try to tame a douche-bat you may very well find it feels like they have done that.
Habitat: Nightclubs, bars, anywhere they serve alcohol, some workplaces, friend’s parties and whenever you are in a foreign country. Douche-bats are often be found in the gay community as 90% of gays have been douche-bats at one point.
 

M.O.: The douche-bat is a conniving creature that is almost impossible to identify until they have left without leaving a number. You will generally find a douche-bat looking at you across a smoky room, especially towards the end of the night when the dance floor has cleared of all and sundry except you and your handbag. The douche-bat can be incredibly charming when it needs to be, but mostly it will just be devastatingly good-looking, get your attention with some masterful come-hither eyes and have you home and in your knickers before you know it.
Expect a night of hardcore extreme cuddles with the douche-bat, perhaps even some of the best extreme cuddles you have ever had, but this is because the douche-bat is an expert at extreme cuddles having vast experience in the medium.  However, when extreme cuddles are over, the douche-bat will be dressed and out the door before you have even lit your post-coital smoke. You may not have caught your breath but it has caught the first taxi that drove past your door, if no taxi is available it  will resort to legging it down the main road.  On rare occasions, you may find the douche-bat stays for the night, but it won’t be there when you wake up in the morning.
If it is still there, start backing away slowly.  This is a very dangerous douche-bat and must be treated with caution.
This means the  douche-bat has decided it likes your log and may even find it so comfortable that he stays for a number of nights, up to weeks on occasions. This will lull you into a false sense of security.  But be warned – inevitably the douche-bat will shag your best friend, then remind you that a douche-bat should never be trained.

Douche rating: 4 out of 5.

De-douche ease:  Easy. To de-douche yourself from a douche-bat the simplest method is to treat him like an animal in the zoo.  Nice to look at and admire but you aren’t allowed to touch them.
If you find a douche-bat in your life, then enjoyit briefly but send it back into the wild.

Solution:  The biggest mistake a douchenet makes with a douche-bat is to think they can be the one to tame it. You can’t. Until a douche-bat contracts a venereal disease or grows up (which happens much later in life than your average douche) they must stay in the wilderness.  Once you have determined you have a douche-bat, start preparing yourself for its return to the wilderness.  It is where they belong.

The douche who loved me.

There are many different varieties of the douchebag.  They are kinda like finches that way.  But less evolved.

Chances are we may not have even recognised the male in front of as a douchebag straight away.  Some douchebags, like the douchribity are easy to spot. 

(Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Doucher Pratt, Criss Douchegel and John Maydouche.  And a warm welcome to newcomer Douche-e James)

But others, like the ones who fall under the camodouche category, well they are harder to spot.  They are like that spider that was sitting on the front of your wooden wardrobe, for like hours and hours, and you didn’t notice it any of the times you hunted for clothes and then suddenly – BAM!  Spider-spotting and you freak out and suddenly it is all you can see and you can’t believe you didn’t notice it earlier.  Except they are douches and you were dating them.  Otherwise, they are EXACTLY like the hidden wardrobe spider.

“But doucheperts!  How do I know if I am dating a camodouche?  Is there a saliva test?”

Sadly no.  Until scientists stop trying to solve the piddling problems of cancer and climate change and who was standing on the grassy knoll, and concentrate on the pressing issue of douchebag identification, we are on our own.

Fear not though intrepid douchedaters.  We have spent the better part of the past decade studying the douchebag in its natural habitats to come up with these answers for you.  We’re not going to lie.  It was dangerous work.  Not all of us made it out alive.  You don’t even want to know what happened to little Johnny when he wandered into that Ed Hardy sale. But no sacrifice was in vain as we have managed to identify several of the douchebag varieties to aid you in your douche-spotting and subsequent douche-avoiding.

First up – James Douche.

Summary: This douchebag likes to come across as dark, broody and emotionally unavailable.  He likes to think he is shrouded in mystery. He convinces you he’s damaged.  Real damaged.  But maybe the love of a good woman/man (hey – doucherry is not limited to heterosexuals) will be all he needs to save himself.  In reality he is an emotionally stunted douche who enjoys playing with people’s emotions and then bailing using the “hey – I told you I was messed up card” to absolve himself of responsibility when he moves on to his next douchenet.

Habitat: Smoking rooms, foreign film showings, anywhere jazz is playing, university lectures, art galleries, museums, in the corner of really popular bars to show how much he disdains the popularity, Calvin Klein, American Apparel, Roger David, turtleneck sales and restaurants which serve truffles.

 M.O. Is a general arsewipe to all around it, except for you.  The James Douche has discovered that this makes you feel special and therefore more amendable to its douchiness.  The JD will make constant cutting remarks about those around it, previous girlfriends and people it sees on the street. While it’s Facebook page may claim it to be quite popular, this is just because it adds everyone it comes across so it can have a larger platform to display its cutting-edge douchiness.  It also enjoys ex-douchenets knowing it has moved on . In reality, the JD will have little to no male friends, other than a douchebag of a lower social standing. The JD needs to be the smartest person in the room and will put you down if you are smarter, as well as wax lyrical about obscure topics it has studied purely so it can prove its intelligence. If the JD notices that you are beginning to waver in your adoration, it will drop in a comment about how you are different and why he likes being with you as opposed to everyone else it knows.  But the moment the JD is convinced he has you in his clutches, he will lose all interest and move on to the next challenge.  This particular douchebag thrives on the chase.  Once you are no longer running, it will no longer feel the need to pretend to care.  This is where it will remind you that you were never in a relationship and it warned you that this was what it was like you first met.  In the JD’s case, honesty is just a get-out-of-jail free card for douchey behaviour.

Douche rating: 4.5 out of 5. 

De-douche ease:  Hard to difficult.  The moment you de-douche, you become something to chase again, re-igniting the douche’s interest.  This particular douche prides itself on being the one to reject.  It may in fact re-engage you just to be the one to break up with you. 

Solution:  If you discover you are dating a James Douche, run, don’t walk.  Refuse to engage in any form of communication.  The James Douche likes to use phrases like “I thought we could be adults” and “I just freaked because you were getting clingy” and “I really miss just talking with you”.  Do not be fooled.  Repeat, DO NOT BE FOOLED.  Use Rule Number Two: Douche me once, shame on you, douche me twice I’m an idiot. Eventually the JD will move on to easier prey.

Tried to get me to de-douche but I said no, no, no……

Before we begin, let’s get one thing straight.

Nice guys can do douchey things.  This does not in itself, make said nice guy a douchebag.  It just means that for a particular moment your nice guy was possessed by his inner douche.  It happens to the best of them.  As long as it was the exception and not the rule and was not anything particularly relationship toxic, just remind him you don’t speak douche and move on.

No, a douchebag is someone whose first instinct is to douche.  Think almost every man douche-magnets Jennifer A and Jessica S have dated.  A douchebag can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved because they are too in love with themselves.  It’s the first rule of douchiness – a douchebag must be a massive fan of themself.  Therefore, unless you are a vacuous ditz whose love of yourself is only matched by your douche’s own self-enamouredness,  your relationship is doomed to fail.

“But doucheperts!” we hear you rail.

“His douchiness is just a shield!  Underneath he is the sweet, caring guy of my dreams.  He just needs to be loved!”

This is where we insert the written equivalent of that buzzer which sounds on game shows when a contestant bombs an answer.

Well we would if we knew how to properly write that EEEERRRRRNNNNNNTTTTTT sound.  But you get the idea.

First rule to de-douching yourself: You can not change a douchebag.  Repeat: You can not change a douchebag.

A douchebag can change you.  Because at times, even the smartest of us go all stoopid.  We think, ‘well, maybe if I were blonde he’d see how much I care’ or ‘maybe if I took up rock climbing despite my pathological fear of heights, we’d get to spend more time together’ or ‘maybe if I stopped seeing all my friends because he doesn’t think they are cool enough and just hung out with him all the time, we’re sure to be perfectly happy in no time’.    Once again we refer you to EEEERRRRRNNNNNTTTTTTTT.

Doesn’t work.  The first rule of douchiness is what created the first rule of de-deouching.  The douchebag likes himself too much to change.  He sees no reason to change because he keeps scoring partners who will adapt to his douchiness.

Underneath that douchey exterior is just more douche.  Douchebags will only change to suit themselves.  Sometimes one does wake up and smells the douche and they begin the process of de-douching themselves.  Usually this happens around the time douchebags go from doucheboys to men.  And sometimes they are content to let their douchiness grow and mature.  It depends on the douche.  But whatever happens, it has nothing to do with what you did or did not wear, say, do, see or become.

Time for  a recap – You can not change a douchebag. So stop banging your head against that douchewall.

Until next time – take care of you.

The doucheperts

So your ex-boyfriend is a douchebag…

Hello lovelies!

Hands up who has dated a douchebag?

Yep, just like we thought.  Most of us.  And those who haven’t – we take our tiaras off to you.  (Have you thought about bottling your douchebag spotting ability and selling it?  It would go nicely next to the insect repellant at the supermarket.  If you have any idea on how to do this, drop us a line.)

In our long and varied dating history, we not only dated douchebags, we also fell in love with them.  At one point or another, we were convinced we could change them.  Alas, the douchebag is a sturdy species, one which has not only survived, but flourished in the dating jungle, because of their almost admirable dedication to their douchiness.   Almost admirable, because while the douchebag can and will adapt to their surroundings to ensure their continued existence in a changing world, their drive to succeed is basically fueled by selfishness.  Kinda like a cockroach.  Except it is very hard to squish a douchebag under your shoe.  And also a potential legal nightmare.

So until someone works out how to bottle douchebag repellant, we are sort of stuck with them.  Which is fine, because as we will discuss down the track, sometimes one woman’s douchebag can be another woman’s treasure. While all men have the capacity to be a douchebag (they can’t help it, it is part of their DNA, along with the ability to read maps and better spatial ability) not all men succumb to the douchiness.  At least not all the time.  And yes, we know that us of the XX chromosome have our own issues but you can set up your own blog for that.

And knowing your ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend/pseudo-boyfriend is a douchebag does not mean you hate men.  You can still enjoy cashews if you don’t like peanuts.  Not all men can be tarred with the same douchebag brush.  Man bashing is not our goal.  A humerous look at the differing variety of douchebag and dating advice is.

Like a wise person once said: You  have to kiss a lot of douchebags to find your prince.  Or something.  We have.  And eventually did.  Also, we get bored at work and this helps to pass the time.

So until next time, stay safe – it can be a douchy world out there.

In the immortal words of Kit – take care of you.*

*If you don’t know who Kit is, watch Pretty Woman immediately if not sooner. She was a lass who knew her douchebag.  Perhaps if she hadn’t given Edward to Vivian, we would have been spared having the idea implanted in our heads that the douchebag can be changed.  By a pair of hooker boots and a commitment to dental hygiene.